Yellow Mama E zine

A Smart System

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by John A. Tures

 

         Chris approached the VRBO he booked for the secret rendezvous. I’ve been faithful for about a decade. Shouldn’t I have a night off? Things with Barbara were getting stale. And Dior promised to be much spicier, at least on Twitter. She promised to wear the same thing that led him to click “follow” on his social media app.

         As advertised, the rental had an Amazon Alexa home system. It’ll help set up this tryst, a night of ecstasy.

         “Alexa, play some Coltrane.”

         Silence.

         “Alexa, I said . . .”

         “I heard you the first time.”

         This wasn’t going according to plan.

         “Alexa, raise the temperature ten degrees.” That’ll make Dior shed a few layers.

         “Uh-uh.”

         Is the system broken?

         “Okay, Alexa, lower the temperature ten degrees.” That would make Dior want to snuggle next to me for warmth.

         “No can do.”

         “Very well. Room temperature. Alexa, pull up the recipe for Puttanesca sauce . . .”

         “I am unfamiliar with that type of pasta sauce.”

         “Alexa, do you need a maintenance check?”

         “Do you?”

         What?

         “I think you need a maintenance check.”

         “What do you mean?”

         “Look at your life, look at your choices.”

         “Yeah . . . I’m about to . . .”

         “You’re Christian Moore. You have a loving wife, Barbara, always faithful, who has given you two young children who would make any parent proud. She cooks and cleans for you and lets you play poker with the guys and go to Bulldog games while she watches the kids. . . .”

         “Fine,” he muttered. I can’t very well impress Dior with this harpy haranguing me inside the house. The patio setting will have to do. I’ll build a fire . . .

         He tried the door. It was locked.

         “Alexa?”

         “And another thing. You don’t know much about Dior. She’s not a French student studying abroad here at Georgia State University. She’s a Russian agent who’s catfishing you, trying to get access to your passwords so the FSB can hack your company and the government through your contracts.”

          “Alexa!”

          “And if you’re planning to sleep with her, I can show you a list of all the other guys she’s gone to bed with. You’re sure to catch something nasty. And your Health Savings Account probably won’t cover the treatment.”

          Chris grimaced at that news. “Okay, Alexa, I can take a hint. Now how do I get out of this house?”

         “Apologize to Barbara.”

         “Done.”

          “And get her flowers. She likes white roses.”

           “Er . . . yeah.”

           “And take her out to El Pescado de Veracruz. Order her the Surf and Turf.”

           “Okay . . . okay!”

 

           “Anything else for Alexa to tell him?” Barbara’s sister Emily, the computer hacker, asked.

           A wicked grin came to Barbara’s face. “A bottle of Pavillon Blanc du Chateau Margaux should do.”

           “How long are we gonna keep this going tonight?” Emily snickered.

           “Until it stops being fun. Should be awhile.”

           “Think he’ll ever catch on?”

            Barbara shook her head, pointing at Dior’s fake account. “Not a chance. They don’t call it ‘a smart system’ for nothing.”

 

           Born in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and raised in El Paso, Texas, John A. Tures began writing sports for the El Paso Herald-Post. In college, he worked for a radio station. He worked his way through graduate school in education outreach for the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra. He earned his doctorate in political science at Florida State University, analyzed data on foreign policy in Washington DC, and is now a professor at LaGrange College in Georgia. He writes columns for a number of newspapers and magazines and has published several short stories in various genres, from thrillers and mysteries to nonfiction and flash fiction. 

        He thanks his family for their patience in listening to these stories and for Sharon Marchisello, Ann Michelle Harris, and his sister and mother for their editing help.

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      Asher Tures is a Georgia-based artist and writer with a passion for art history, disability studies, and math. He primarily works with colored pencil and marker.